Yesterday

Honestly, i'm not sure since when i became like this

I'm easily distracted over things.

Things that should not be thought all the time but i took all my life dwelling into it.

Petty things and it is pathetic!

Tonight, i received a sad news on my friend's loss.

He lost his brother and upon reading the news, all i can say were Astaghfirullah repeated times.

For i am in total shock and disbelief over what i read.

He surely was a good son and brother.

I pray so that he'll be placed among the righteous ones. Aminn...

Motor vehicle accident. MVA.

This immediately flashed my memory back to September 2016

It was a MVA but it involved my brother and his friends.

The impact was devastating.

Few days in ICU, then he was transferred to HDW.

Few days in HDW, changed to surgical wards and lastly to rehabilitation ward.

From hospitals in Pulau Pinang, to Kedah, and finally transferred to Negeri Sembilan.

Days changed to months.

We were devastated.

We prepared for the worst.

Mentally and physically.

But i'm not sure, were we really prepared for the worst? All in my mind was "will this end? will he wakes up? will he be bed bound?

We heard doctors asked us to buy the ripple mattress, asked our consent to do PEG tube on my brother, be prepared to bring him back home.

We heard it all but it seems surreal. We were not ourselves.

Can my brother handled the PEG tube whilst he himself was literally pulling all tubes on his body?Restless all the way?in semi-conscious state?

I was devastated

I just started my final year and it was surgical posting (the most 'disciplined' amongst all posting)

I was distracted

How can i let my parents handle these alone

I am the eldest daughter.

.........................................................................................................

Looking back to the past
Somehow or rather, my family and i get through this bumpy road
Often i fell down to this wild emotions of anger and sadness
but it was not for long because i know i need to finish what i started
and remembering that one piece of advice i gave to my junior when she wanted to do medic

Do it right
Do it right the first time

It strikes me.
and of course it's absolutely essential to stand up each time you fall right?
The one that i forgot to tell.

Ujian

Habis end posting exam kali ni, destinasi aku bukan ke Seremban seperti selalunya, tapi ke Sungai Petani, Kedah.

Kuantan-Sungai Petani (1400-2300) roughly 9 hours 

dan aku ada dua tujuan penting. Pertama, jumpa banglong (sending him off). Kedua, jadi driver for the Sungai Petani-Seremban home journey.

.........………......

Masih terimbau kenangan menghantar banglong ke SMSTJ for the first time when he was Form 1. Mak menangis (wholeheartedly) dalam perjalanan balik rumah sebab sedih sangat tinggalkan banglong kat asrama. Mungkin sebab pertama kali banglong hidup berdikari dan berjauhan daripada keluarga. I was standard 5 at that time and shocked of course with that scene.

…………………

Situasi pulang ke Seremban, aku seakan menjangkakan yang mak will repeat the scene, tapi mak lebih kuat. Mungkin dah puas menangis dalam tempoh lapan bulan lepas. Sebaliknya, aku yang menangis, bilamana banglong called cakap dia sedih and cried a bit after we left. Lagi sedih bila dia cakap yang dia tak tahu kenapa dia nangis. Dia mandi, teringatkan mak, he cried.

It hurts a lot..

Lagi sakit dari kena ketuk kepala guna exam board undefended.

Lagi sakit dari kena reject specialist from assissting TKR surgery (walhal the day before dah clerked the patient and minta izin untuk assisst surgery).

Kalau aku yang adik pun sedih. Siapalah yang tahu hati emak. 

Mak semestinya lagi sedih dengan setiap kejadian yang berlaku ni. Mak yg bertahan dalam tempoh lapan bulan lepas dan mak kena tinggalkan banglong untuk ajar kehidupan berdikari semula.

dan aku memang silap perhitungan,

Bilamana aku cerita kat mak pasal banglong menangis, mak menangis (wholeheartedly). Dia sememangnya tak mahu menangis depan banglong, tapi empangan air mata seorang emak pecah juga. Aku hanya jadi kayu yang tak mampu menenangkan sebab aku tahu memujuk hanya akan membuatkan aku sama beremosi sedang air mata sendiri mengalir laju waktu aku cepat-cepat ke dapur. Mujur ada abah tempat mak meluah. 

Sekarang, bila teringatkan banglong, akan teringatkan juga his favourite(?) quotes;

1.Everything takes time

2.We can bring the horse to the water but we cannot force the horse to drink the water

Help us ya Allah

We're sad, we cried

but we know

You're the only Helper

Help us against this sadness

Bestow upon us health

and wisdom behind all these tests

Amiin